I was always a good sleeper if you say it like this, means I never had problems to sleep, just a few minutes finding the right cosy position and I went to the land of dreams. Last year it started that I was facing bad sleepless nights. Nights which were totally exhausting instead of relaxing. For sure there are reasons in life why situations like this start over and it’s not popping up out of nowhere. My reasons were private stuff combined with a big workload. No need to go into details, as it had something to do with being heartbroken etc. but this whole thing manifested a kind of feeling uncomfortable in the dark. Which is ridiculous because I always liked the nights, that’s when I start to become creative, where my mind is fully awake. What I try is not to start fearing it, if I tell myself it may happen again tonight it will, but if I try to affirm to myself that these occasions happen only from time to time, I’m feeling better and the nights will be fine. After I found the meditation apps I’m feeling a bit safer too as they are like a rescue, almost all of them start with breathing exercises and they calm you down very quickly. But what’s also important is not to ignore these nights, I think it’s better to accept them and to work on a solution to get rid of them step by step.
I’m happy at this moment, happy since I met my future husband, he’s like a shelter for me, my recharger. Whenever I talk to him I’m fine, even if I was totally tired before, as he brought the feeling back to my life that I’m not alone, that I’m loved and cared for and that everything will be fine. And honestly I knew always that my family is there for me too but its not the same, this feeling of being sheltered by parents or by a partner is different.
Nevertheless still from time to time I have these stupid insomniac nights, and here I have to realize that a wounded soul cannot recover within a few months, it needs time. The reason of these wounds is no longer present in my life, all these hurting thoughts are gone for months now, but regaining the full strength is the part which needs time. That’s why I say to myself its better to accept it rather than ignoring it. As long as I’m actively thinking on how to be totally fine again I see that it’s fading. But if I would start to ignore it I’m pretty sure it would knock me down one day as nothing in life should be ignored. It sounds a bit pathetic but during these nights I have the feeling as if my soul is telling me: “Hey, I’m on my way but I’m not yet fully back on track, so please do me a favor and take care of yourself.” And that’s exactly what I have to do. I’m a perfectionist and I do often too much instead of letting things go and take time-outs for myself. its always the same pattern as these nights are hitting me after a row of exhausting days where I tried to get all done which needs to be done plus even more. Days where I worked too much and am still hurrying through my life after work instead of sleeping early to take some rest.
I have no final solution but I’m assured that it will fade more and more as long as I take care. Never underestimate your mind and your soul, they are essential in life and we have to care!
Keep the faith!